Some facts:
1. I like thinking about the many ways in which I can die.
2. That is an extension of the fact that I like to think about the many events that can occur to me.
3. I have a small, arrogant part of me which believes it will get whatever it wants in life. It, being me.
4. I try very hard to convince myself failure will not be the end. Failure being unable to sustain myself. Remaining lazy forever. Not passing. Not understanding. Understanding refers to empathetic understanding.
5. Basically by conventional interpretation I overthink. I like to think I do what it takes to get me through the day.
6. Rounak Haolader makes me cry.
7. Has made me cry for a total of 6 times.
8. Rounak Haolader makes me more happy than I think possible.
9. Rounak Haolader drives me nuts to no end.
10. His bum happens to be the heavenliest thing.
11. His face happens to be the handsomest.
12. His heart happens to beat the loveliest.
13. The number six stated does not mean I hold it against him.
14. Rather, I think it's the most remarkable thing.
15. Very few things and people have made me cry.
16. I am human.
17. Sudden, but true.
18. As a proof of my humanity, here are my most potent fears:
1. I like thinking about the many ways in which I can die.
2. That is an extension of the fact that I like to think about the many events that can occur to me.
3. I have a small, arrogant part of me which believes it will get whatever it wants in life. It, being me.
4. I try very hard to convince myself failure will not be the end. Failure being unable to sustain myself. Remaining lazy forever. Not passing. Not understanding. Understanding refers to empathetic understanding.
5. Basically by conventional interpretation I overthink. I like to think I do what it takes to get me through the day.
6. Rounak Haolader makes me cry.
7. Has made me cry for a total of 6 times.
8. Rounak Haolader makes me more happy than I think possible.
9. Rounak Haolader drives me nuts to no end.
10. His bum happens to be the heavenliest thing.
11. His face happens to be the handsomest.
12. His heart happens to beat the loveliest.
13. The number six stated does not mean I hold it against him.
14. Rather, I think it's the most remarkable thing.
15. Very few things and people have made me cry.
16. I am human.
17. Sudden, but true.
18. As a proof of my humanity, here are my most potent fears:
- Rounak Haolader getting hit by a vehicle because in India any kind of accidents are possible.
- Rounak Haolader deciding one day that he may love me, but I am not what he needs.
- Rounak Haolader suffering from amnesia, forgets all about me.
- The Demogorgon.
- Before that, actual unfriendly aliens.
- You see, this is not a fear, but I believe in aliens. Not all must be unfriendly.
- Unfriendly is strictly by human standards.
- Both my parents dying.
- Other girls interested in Rounak Haolader, because he is my man, and he is excellent. All are very interested in him, which is strictly my belief and not his,
- Becoming dependent and not independent.
- Remaining lazy.
- Not being able to empathetically understand.
- Little People.
- Sagnik Das. (I was. I reiterate, I was. I've listed this one because I want to remind myself what I will never again stoop down to.)
- Rounak Haolader's anger. (potent, yes. Simply terrifying. I do not mean I don't want him to express anger, I simply mean it's scary. This does not belong to this list, but I simply listed it.)
- A world solely ruled by machines.
- The Matrix becomes real.
- On one level I believe The Matrix is real.
- The Internet taking over.
- The Dark.
- The above stated is very ambiguous. Here is my explanation: While I fear the dark, I continue to be hugely inspired by it. Inspired how? Well very much like Calvin when I look into infinite space, I do not realize how insignificant my day-to-day activities are, for in that I am a rebel and I believe they are infinitely more significant. But instead I see the possibilities. The endless, all-encompassing, world. The huge, huge word. The countless possibilities. This does not scare me at all. But then I remember we are merely a ball enclosed with darkness. Mere spots on the face of a large, velvety, flowing darkness. That does not scare me. It again, inspires me. Black is very inspirational. I love the Dark. But at once, I fear it. You never know what's lurking. I am deeply fearful. But I prefer the Dark. And yet I am fearful. Because I know there is no other way for me. For I have acknowledged it, and I must exist in it, go through it. I sigh. Sigh. Cold dread floods my being. What if an alien appears? What if a serial murderer does? Or I am shot dead, point-black range, because of what I think? And there are so many things I think. All of these are at once, welcome and unwelcome. But my heart trembles, surprises excite my heart. Mad heart, be brave.
- I also happen to be very fearful of what might happen to the world if everyone realizes at once how vulnerable and how fragile everything around us actually is. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Weak points exist.
- Hollow people, the ones T. S. Elliot talks about, scare me. I am scared of becoming one. Scared of mendacity. Scared, scared. Scared that I'll be found out. That someone will be screaming in my face, "You are a sham. A fake. A phony." Afraid that I am nothing, because I know I am not nothing. Afraid that the right people for me will think that I am nothing. I have nothing to prove to anyone except myself, yet I do not want Rounak Haolader and Janhavi Sathe to think anything other than the fact that I am not nothing. And that I becomes in turns them, and in turns me.
- Scared of the next time I say no to Rounak Haolader. No I do not feel like sex. No is just a word, yet it breaks hearts. I hope to be strong enough to not say no, yet while trying to not lie, I end up hurting. Sigh. Roll up your sleeves and fight on.
- Scared that my sister will not see it for how it really is: an endless fight. Not the romantic world she envisions, as I had done when I was her age. Nor the world where free will rules. Not even the world where destiny is the only guiding factor. But a world full of circumstance. Filled with happenstances, and only how you react to them. Sometimes you create these happenstances and sometimes they create you. The Universe is you and you are the Universe. The art is made by the artist and the artist is made by the art. Same principle. And you just keep trudging on. No other way to do it. And you survive from day to day with the help of your heart, so I pray that her heart is strong. I pray that she makes her heart strong, I pray that I am able to give her a strong heart. I can lend her support but I cannot become her pillar, we are too different, and we vastly misunderstand each other, for me to become that. And when the time comes, I hope she had what I had: A belief in people. In a person. In her person. If she has her person by then.
- I am mortally afraid that I will be caught in the rat race. The cold, gravel-laden race where I do nothing but keep on running to make it on top. Is that what modernism signifies? An endless race to be 'modern'? Gee, I'd rather grow my own vegetables and read endlessly. My ideal life. And a cottage. But I was born human, born without roots. I have been searching for a place to sink them in. I found my person, which brings me to my last fear for this list but not the last fear I have, because I have so many:
- I fear that I might be uprooted one day, that all that I am will be destroyed. I can build myself up, no fear, I can work on that, but I fear the loss of independence and the loss of my person. My person. Rounak Haolader. In this world devoid of meaning and endless madness where everything seems hopeless and most of it is, you are the only one helping me redeem my hope. I hope the next time I see you you are healthy and have been eating. I hope you make it through the rut you are stuck in. I hope life becomes infinitely better for you. I hope you believe in me. I believe in you. Another fear: Loss of belief. Sigh.
19. While the list has not exhausted, I have been. My fingers have, to be more precise. Of typing on my father's laptop which is hurting my fingers now because it is hot enough to fry an egg.
20. A final, utterly true fact, you are loved and I am the one who loves you.
And you better believe it, no one else knows how.
And if someone comes along I will be thrown into jail because I shall have murdered them.
Or be infinitely depressed.
(Well where else can you find a lass jolly about the Universe being devoid of meaning and laughing at the Universe. Hold her hand, kiss her mouth, don't mind how plump she is getting (positively fat by now) and be happy.)
I love you.
